I have so many fears recently. The cause of these fears? My anxiety. The anxiety I never knew I really had but apparently I do...I think. Anyway, I want to talk to someone but it is currently half past 4 in the morning so; I am going to talk to myself about what is stressing myself ou which (if you haven't actually noticed yet), is my fears.
Failing my driving test. My driving test is now a week away and I have never worried about something to such extreme in my entire life. This is my first test which makes me even more nervous. I know I can drive and so does my driving instructor but one thing I am really scared of is letting my nerves get the best of me then failing. Failing itself doesn't scare me as much as letting myself down. The only way I am going to pass is if I prove myself wrong and that is what I really want to do. I want to prove myself wrong and anyone who doubts me wrong.
Another thing that worries me with my test is that I won't be having another lesson until the day of my test. I cannot figure out whether or not this is going to be a good thing or a bad thing. I want to say a good thing as the more I drive with my instructor the more likely I begin to mess things up. BUT, I feel as if I need a little bit more practice. Not much, but enough so I can feel 100% about this test and not 99%.
I am currently undergoing a series of fears regarding the consumption of food. The reason for this is currently unknown but I am not feeling the need to really eat. However, I do think this is primarily due to my routine dramatically changing. By this I mean the fact that I have left college FOREVER. I am no longer a sixth form student which has made me so happy and stress free. However, I am developing a new form of stress in the sense that I no longer have a routine. I have been trying to create my own form of routine but I have a new job and the hours are fluctuated at the moment since I am new.
My ultimate fear at the moment is my boyfriend. Please buckle your seat belts because for this fear I have a lot to get off my chest:
So, me and the boyfriend have been together for almost 3 years. This itself makes me the happiest human being because after 3 years and after anything and everything we are still standing strong. I cannot describe how happy this makes me feel.
However, recently I have had a developing fear and I honestly don't know why. Since I have finished college I have been hanging around with my friends and we all have been on many adventures. So has my boyfriend, he has joined in on the fun and he is enjoying it so much. But, I am a female. I am not saying that all females have anxiety and their own form of jealousy but I have had an overgrowing fear which is combined with jealousy and sickness.
Whenever the boyfriend does something without me, eternally, it crucifies me. I worry about him so much and I want to know where he is and what he is doing. There is nothing wrong with this feeling is there? Anyway, he has been hanging around with a girl, (and his other friends at the same time don't get me wrong), but I am growing a fear inside of me that he is going to lose interest in me. After 3 years he means so much to me and I want him to know that. He is my everything. I have been chasing after him because I love him so much and he makes me so happy. But everytime he isn't with me and he is with someone else I just feel like he doesn't want me there. But before I sound like a crazy girlfriend, I get invited but sometimes it's after I have finished work so I am too tired or I don't join because I don't want to get home at like 2 in the morning. Because of this I panic so much. I want him to smile at me the way he has been doing with everyone else. I want him to smile at me the way he use to when we were first talking. I want him to be happy more than anything and if I can't make him happy like everyone else does then does he even want me?
I will message him and I will be honest with him but I know he is out having fun when really I just want to speak to him properly. Last night I messaged him EXACTLY how I felt. It felt like a weight was lifted off my shoulders but I didn't get the reply I truly wanted. He said he'll talk to me about it properly but after I sent that message I just knew he was having a laugh with his friends and that he couldn't reply properly. I felt second best. I DON'T KNOW WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME. I am being so clingy recently. I hate myself for it.
I am the reason for this fear. He reassures me all the time that he loves and that he would never leave me. He tells me what I want to hear. But apparently this isn't enough for my anxiety. It is never enough for me.
I am scared of my own thoughts and feelings. I can send myself to a dark place very quickly. This place is horrible. Eternally, this place murders a part of me every time I enter it. As you have previously read my thoughts send me to a horrible place of jealously and anxiety but this goes for everything.
I am extremely sorry for such a depressing blog post especially after so many months of not posting anything. But I just felt like I wanted to get all of this off my chest...again. It is so much easier for me to fully express myself through words non-verbally than it is to do so verbally. But I honestly think no one understands how I feel. I am screaming for help but no one is seeing it apart from one person properly instructing me to go get help elsewhere. I want rid of these stupid thoughts once and for all.